Letter to my daughter

At 20 months of age you are insanely clingy and there are brief moments it drives me crazy.
"I need my hands free to push this cart! Good grief! "
"I brought the stroller so you would sit in it, not so I can carry you in the sling while I push an empty stroller and get bewildered looks."


But those protests are quick ones because there you are, eye level with me, in my arms, secured against me with a sling, and smiling while you lean your head At 19 months of age you are insanely clingy these days and there are brief moments it drives me crazy.
"I need my hands free to push this cart! Good grief! "

"I brought the stroller so you would sit in it, not so I can carry you in the sling while I push an empty stroller and get bewildered looks."

But those protests are quick ones because there you are, eye level with me, in my arms, secured against me with a baby sling, and smiling while you lean your head against me. You are safe here, arm up on my shoulder, tucked securely against my side, under my arm. All the people towering above you and the ceilings and world so high and far away aren't as scary if you're kept safe by the person who is the center of your world.

I can certainly relate to the need to feel protected and sheltered from a world that feels scary and overwhelming. I often long for my own safe haven as I force myself to leave the house when many days I instead want to hide away and not be seen. For years I have forced the introvert within me to be an extrovert and the introvert has decided she is no longer happy with that arrangement. 

Many nights I lay down thinking about and mentally preparing myself for the next day's errands or chores that will require me to go into public; associate with the rest of the human race. I often try to find a way to avoid the trip, even going so far as to wonder if peanut butter sandwiches are okay for dinner simply so I don't have to shop among the masses. 

Sleep comes only after I recite a verse that has become a daily mantra: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Sometimes I have to say the verse over and over while trying to chase away the anxiety that creeps up into my throat like reflux from a spicy supper. In the morning I remind myself I can't be a hermit, no matter how much I want to. I have children to feed or take to the doctor. And I have life to experience because as much as life terrifies me it fascinates me.

The appropriate Christian thing to say is that God is my safe haven, the One who keeps me from living my life behind closed doors, and He is. But sometimes I don't trust the way I should; I don't listen the way I should. Thoughts overwhelm me and all I hear is condemnation and criticism. 

I pray so I can find comfort in the One who reminds me He is home even when I'm out in the big, scary world. 
I want you to feel comfort while I hold you, Little One.

I'm so honored to be your safe haven, your comfort zone, the person who you need to make you feel like you're home no matter where you are.

So cling to me when you need to and I'll cling back and treasure these simple moments of comfort.

lisa+howeler+photographer

Part of Melissa Firman's 99 days of blogging and my Letters to My Daughter's feature.