"I'm a horrible mom!" I sobbed into the phone at my mom while waiting for a call back from the triage nurse. It's not the first time I'd said these words and I'm sure it won't be the last, even though I know it should be.
It was the second time we'd called the number in a week, both times for my 15 month old daughter we have affectionately, and aptly, nicknamed The Hurricane.
The first time we called she had fallen off the back of the couch, her favorite spot to perch on, much to the disapproval of her dad and I. On the way to the floor she cracked her head on a bookcase.
She cried and was fine within minutes, even though I had been sure we would be holding back blood on our way to the hospital. We called the nurse on call and I woke up 20 times that night to check on her. She was fine and was left with only a small bruise above her eye. Ten minutes after she fell, in fact, she was trying to climb the couch again.
The second call involved her walking out of the bathroom and toward me, down the upstairs hallway, with an empty bottle of allergy medicine in her hand and a thoughtful look on her face. It was a bottle which had previously been partially full. Apparently it fell off the counter and the lid was either placed in crooked or not tight enough. I had left the bathroom, expecting her to follow me.
Why would a 15 month old follow their mom if there is so much they can get into in the bathroom?
I had pretty much convinced myself she'd been poisoned, but the nurse on call and Peggy at Poison Control felt, based on the fact much of the bottle had been poured on the floor, that our little girl would be okay. And she was, despite trying twice to do a somersault of the end of her brother's bed while I was on the phone with the triage nurse.
She also emptied my entire box of feminine pads while I was on the phone telling her dad what Poison Control had said and spread them across the bathroom floor, as if she was redecorating.
I often tell myself I'm horrible at this mothering job. What's worse is I utter it out loud. A lot. In front of my children.
Being a mom is not a job I ever thought I would have. As a teenager I imagined myself traveling the world, photographing wars and famine and the beauty of nature, not raising babies in a small town only 45 minutes from where I grew up.
But, here I am, a mom.
And many days I question what God was thinking giving these poor children a mother like me.
The day the baby eats cat food off the kitchen island and my son feels ignored because I was chatting on Facebook longer than I intended. The day I yell at the elderly dog because he nipped the baby when she sat on him. The day I sighed heavily when my son talked about Minecraft again, making him feel like what he says isn't important or of interest to him. Those days are the days I wonder what I'm doing as the mother of these two beautiful and amazing children.
Jonathan and my favorite movie these days is 'Mom's Night Out' and toward the end of the movie Trace Atkins, playing a tattoo artist named Bones, tells the main character; "You all spend so much time beating yourselves up, it must be exhausting. Let me tell you something, girl. I doubt the good Lord made a mistake giving your kiddos the mama he did. So you just be you. He'll take care of the rest."
Oh Lord, it's why I pray, so often throughout my days: "Fill in the gaps where I fail. Help me care for these children they way you've called me to. And most of all, please, Lord, don't let me completely scar them for life."
My brother chooses a word at the beginning of each year to set the tone for the upcoming year. He does this in conjunction with another blog and this year he chose the word reinvigorate. I thought the suggestion to choose a word for the year was sort of dumb, if I'm being honest. Still, I started to think what words I wanted to choose as I moved forward into a new year, since I'm not really the kind of person who believes in New Year's resolutions. I prefer to resolve to accomplish new things or improve myself any time of the year, not only at the beginning.
It only took me 30 seconds to know what words I needed for this year: Peace and simplicity.
I complicate my life so much and when I do that I lose my inner peace. I lose sight of the peace that only Christ can give and let it be replaced by the chaos of the circumstances around me.
To have both peace and simplicity I want to work on blaming myself less for accidents, recognizing what is my responsibility and what isn't and most of all being less hard on myself as a mother.